How should I feel

When the one I love

Leaves me to die?

Is it like in the movies?

Maybe more like a stage play?

Knife in the back and then exit stage left.

 

Maybe it’s just a horrible dream?

 

Surely nobody could do that?

I couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t

Do that, if the roles were reversed

 

You said that you loved me

More than anything in the world

Was that a lie? A perceived small slight?

You spent so long convincing

Me of your intentions and that

Your love was true and everlasting

How could you say all that

If you knew it was false

All the way through

From beginning to terminal end

 

Well, here alone and solitary

The pain never leaves me

The betrayal seems to ebb

And flow endlessly

As you fight for some

Normality and dignity

To end your life with respect and love

 

Sad and serious conversations with

So called specialists

Lonely and brave, never

Quite sure just how to behave

The agony of loneliness as

You know you are fading

Withdrawn and desperate

To be needed, to be missed

Longing to hold your hand, receive

Your passionate kiss

 

Watch everyone else lead their lives

All with the world just what it should be

The sun continues to shine

Dew is still damp and fresh

The rain still falls, winds buffet and roar

Snowflakes dance and fall

The daily papers still printed on crisp paper

Dog walkers still amble with their mutts

Twice a day with their plastic poop bags

Trees still silently growing and creeping slowly

Bees still bumbling nectar rich in drones

Birds swoop and migrate in the winter chill

Watching the beauty all around Knowing

That I’m forced to say good bye

To it all

 

But through it all the one thing,

The one thing I truly miss

Will always be sad and regretful

Knowledge, The fact that my ‘sickness’

Desperately unwanted

Not wished for

Not my fault

Not deserved

Killed your love for me, made

You turn away and run so far

Ripped your smile from me

Left my untouched hand cold

Stole your sweet kisses away

Left me with more tears than

Any one desperate person deserves

To suffer, bereft, lonely, sad

 

Working hard to fill the void

Facing the coldness of impending death

My heart, alone, to take my final gasp

Still filled with sorrow and blame

 

To die with your smile still imprinted

In my dead brain

After my last breath has well passed

Into the perpetual darkness you

Fill my still and now silent heart

Ill meander into oblivion still asking

Why?